The Deadly Mall

With my second draft I tried to expand more on all of the events that happened all throughout my paper. I also wanted to all more details in my introduction and during the events. In my first draft most of the examples were established but i think in this second draft it is more clear with more details.

Fred Crilly
Sins in the Mall

Jeremy loves going to the mall with his friends. Almost every weekend they all go, hangout, and just have fun. It is always an adventure when you are with Jeremy and you never know what will happen. Jeremy enjoys going to every store that he sees and usually spends money in each one. When Jeremy gets his eyes on something he wants, he will buy it. On Friday all 7 sins were committed in the mall in many different stores. Where ever Jeremy went another sin was committed. It was like they were all following him. This will be a very interesting day for Jeremy and a day he will never forget.
Before going to the mall Jeremy had to stop at the Family First Credit Union to get money for his soon to be adventure. When he walked into the bank everything looked normal. He filled out his form to take out money and went into the line. When he got in line the person in front of him looked very suspicious. He looked nervous and very anxious. Then it happened. When he was called up to line he pulled out his gun and demanded the accountant to give him the money out of the safe. During this whole ordeal someone in the back of the line had secretly called the police. She eventually gave him all of the money in the safe and the guy bolted toward the door. Unfortunately for him the cops were already waiting at the exit to tackle him to the ground.
Once everything was sorted out and Jeremy got his money for the day he headed down to the mall where his first stop would be FYE. On his way to FYE he passed the Victoria Secret store. When he walked past the doors he could see all of the models inside surrounded by many guys. All of them trying to get near the models. Each one was trying to get to talk to the models and get to know them a little bit. Jeremy was a little wierded out by this so he ignored it and kept walking to his destination.
When Jeremy got to FYE he was walking around looking for a very specific game everyone wanted. It was Madden 2012. Everyone was rushing around to get it. When Jeremy got into the store he saw a huge crowd around where the game was. It was almost like watching little puppies fighting over food. He tried to plow through everyone in the crowd but they were all much bigger than he was. Once he got to the front all of the games were gone. Madden 2012 was all sold out. The rest of the time in FYE Jeremy was walking around wishing that he got their a little earlier so he could have gotten the game and thinking about how amazing it would be to play that game.
After the whole FYE trip Jeremy wanted to get some food. The closest food place in the mall was DICKS. DICKS is a restaurant that purposely treats you bad. Jeremy really wanted to get food so he went there even though he knew it would be a nightmare. After the waiters messed up his order, didn’t bring him is drink, and were acting mean, Jeremy decided to just go to McDonald's for lunch. There he ordered a Big Mac with large fries and a large McFlurry. Everything looked so good but at the same time was very fatty.
After eating at McDonald's, Jeremy felt bad about himself because of all the bad fatty food that he just ate so he went to GNC, the nutrition store. This store has a lot of protein products in it with a lot of other muscle building products. The guy that helped Jeremy find the stuff he wanted was big, tough, strong, and muscular. Everything Jeremy wanted to be. He was very confident with what he was saying and looked like he knew a lot. This whole time Jeremy was thinking about what happened at FYE and wishing he was bigger so he could have gotten that game he was waited to get for three months now.
When Jeremy left GNC he went into Bed Bath and Beyond and buy a bed he always wanted. He was so tired from all the walking he did that day that he had to lay down. While lying on the bed, Jeremy was thinking about all of the crazy thinks that went on that day all around him. It was nothing like anything he has ever experienced. Jeremy fell asleep and took a nice long nap. Once he woke up it was 5pm and was time to leave the mall to go home.