I would like to thank Ms. Basko for all of the feedback that she gave me. I tried to take all of it and add them into my paper. I think this paper does a really good job in explaining to the reader who Mr. Schembri really is.
“The Monster, the Legend, the Mentor, Coach Schembri”
Mr. Schembri is absolutely a man of his word. If he says he will do something he will always do it. Even if it is the craziest thing anyone could ever think of. He is the most respectable man you will ever meet and he has an influence on anyone that comes into his life. He has so much respect that when he talks to you, you always listen and he will always look you right in the eye. Mr. Schembri is also a very intelligent man who seems to have an answer for everything. Whether it is about lacrosse, nature, or the most ridiculous biology question, he will have an answer for you. Coach Schembri can always bring out the best in everyone. When he cracks jokes he can brighten your day, or he can bring it a little down if he finds out you did something wrong. You can never get anything past him. He will always find out what you did no matter what. Eventually when he does find out you go right onto his, “PooPoo List.” And this is not a place that you want to be.
Being a senior on the varsity lacrosse team and having played 3 different sports with around 10-15 different coaches throughout the years, coach Schembri is definitely the most influential coach I have had. Coaching a varsity sport is a lot of pressure and a lot of work. He balances all of the pressure and work very well and still has time for his family. It seems like he is always trying to put everyone before himself and he is trying to teach us to do the same thing along with leadership and respect.
Coach Schembri is a big man. “Use what your mama gave you” is one of his favorite quotes. When he plays sports he uses what his mama gave him! He has big tree trunk legs that move quicker than you think. Although he has a nice bald head that is usually covered when he is outside by his Penfield Lacrosse hat or a Nike hat, he is not that old. When you look at Mr. Schembri straight in the eyes you might get a little intimidated at first. Don’t worry that is normal. But right when you walk into his room you get a friendly “hello how are you doing?” Once you get to meet him he is a pretty funny character. While he is a very outgoing person who knows how to have fun, he can be a very serious man at times. During school, practices, and games he shows that serious side of himself. When he is with his three boys playing outside, or in the off season, that is when he shows the teenager side of himself. He is a very entertaining person to be around if you just want to have a laugh.
During the winter of last year our whole varsity lacrosse team when to Camp Stella Maris, also known as CSM, or CAMP as a few of the teammates became fond of calling it. “I love CAMP” was a very common quote people would say while we were there. Here we all bonded together as one team and Coach Schembri helped us do that by setting up activities for us to do throughout the whole day. When we went to CAMP we all saw a different side of Mr. Schembri. Rather than that serious in season lacrosse coach, we saw that laid back, outgoing, and fun Coach Schembri. Telling stories around the camp fire, playing football, capture the flag, and many other fun exciting games brought us together as a team and I think what Coach Schembri did for us that weekend made us a better team overall.
During a lacrosse practice Coach Schembri will call the whole team over to talk. He will tell us all to stand behind a certain line. Once he says that everyone looks down to see if anyone is on or over the line. Although he has many unique quotes, there is one quote that will stick in my head forever from Coach Schembri. “On the line is over the line.” He repeats that sentence over and over again throughout the year. In lacrosse if you are on the line you are over it. Not like in soccer where if the ball is still on the line it is still in. That one sentence from Mr. Schembri shows a lot about him. He does not like to cut corners and he does not let his team cut corners. Coach Schembri does not believe in half effort. You go hard every time when you do something for him. If we cut corners he makes us do more. During workouts, preseason, and games he will always expect our best effort.
Coach Schembri is a very passionate person. When he has a job to do he always does it to the best of his ability. He never puts half effort into something. He is always there for you when you need help with a problem, school, sports, or even life in general. He is the person that wants to help people and wants to see people succeed. He is always trying to make people better and pushing people because he knows that they can always do better.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Letter to the Reader
Dear Reader,
This whole semester in college composition has been an amazing experience. Everything I have learned from this class will be with me for the rest of my life. I learned a lot about myself as a writer and believe I have grown as a writer as well. Before this class I don’t think I knew how to properly revise a draft or analyze a draft for one of my peers. This class taught me how to do that affectively and give many people good feedback. With all of the revisions and analysis that we did in class I gradually got better in being able to give my peers feedback that they can use in their paper. Also I was able to take some of the ideas I read in my peer’s papers and incorporate them into some of my own papers. While in college composition I learned many new techniques to use while writing. One in particular that helped me the most was exemplification. Exemplification means to provide examples about something. Writing an exemplification essay typically involves offering many examples to support a generalization about something. It is mainly showing the reader what happened and not telling them. Also with this class I learned a lot about different ways you can create an introduction and conclusion. Before I think I only relied on one way to write these two very important pieces to a paper. Now I have many ways to create great openings and closings to my paper. Some of the different ways I have learned to conclude a paper are reviewing your key points or restating your thesis, prediction, end with a relevant quotation, or evaluate the importance of the essays subject. For introductions you can start with an anecdote, a good question, facts, quotation, and dilemma. With all of these great techniques there are many more that you could add.
Writing in this blog throughout this semester has been a treat! Each and every blog that I have posted is different and has a certain meaning. My very first post was my reflection about the compare and contrast cookie paper. I talked about what our experiment was about and what my paper will include. My second post shows some alternate introductions to this paper, all starting in different ways. I tried to use different techniques that we learned to start our papers to see which one fit my paper the best. My third post is the first draft and analysis of my Seven Deadly Sins essay. Here I tried to analyze how interesting it was for me to create a paper and an analysis on a topic I have never been familiar with, but still trying to make the essay flow. For my fourth draft I posted my revised “Seven Deadly Sins” paper. In this post I tried to expand more on all of the events that happened all throughout my paper. I also wanted to add more details in my introduction and during the events. In my first draft most of the examples were established but I think in this second draft it is clearer with more details. In my fifth post I came up with different conclusions I could use for the deadly sins paper. Each conclusion had a different technique that I had learned about by reading through an article all about conclusions. The sixth post was all about the paper “How to Utilize Your Senior Skip Day” that I had written with Eric and Kelsey. This was a very fun essay to write because there were so many different ways to create this paper. It was fun to analyze the topic together and write the essay. Receiving peer feedback for this essay also helped me understand and analyze revisions we could later incorporate in our draft. In my seventh post I asked Ms. Basko to analyze my character sketch paper because I feel as though it was the draft that had the most meaning to me and it is one that I really wanted to finish on a strong note. Finally with my eighth and final post I had my revised character sketch with all of the feedback Ms. Basko gave to me incorporated into it. Enjoy the blog!
Fred Crilly
This whole semester in college composition has been an amazing experience. Everything I have learned from this class will be with me for the rest of my life. I learned a lot about myself as a writer and believe I have grown as a writer as well. Before this class I don’t think I knew how to properly revise a draft or analyze a draft for one of my peers. This class taught me how to do that affectively and give many people good feedback. With all of the revisions and analysis that we did in class I gradually got better in being able to give my peers feedback that they can use in their paper. Also I was able to take some of the ideas I read in my peer’s papers and incorporate them into some of my own papers. While in college composition I learned many new techniques to use while writing. One in particular that helped me the most was exemplification. Exemplification means to provide examples about something. Writing an exemplification essay typically involves offering many examples to support a generalization about something. It is mainly showing the reader what happened and not telling them. Also with this class I learned a lot about different ways you can create an introduction and conclusion. Before I think I only relied on one way to write these two very important pieces to a paper. Now I have many ways to create great openings and closings to my paper. Some of the different ways I have learned to conclude a paper are reviewing your key points or restating your thesis, prediction, end with a relevant quotation, or evaluate the importance of the essays subject. For introductions you can start with an anecdote, a good question, facts, quotation, and dilemma. With all of these great techniques there are many more that you could add.
Writing in this blog throughout this semester has been a treat! Each and every blog that I have posted is different and has a certain meaning. My very first post was my reflection about the compare and contrast cookie paper. I talked about what our experiment was about and what my paper will include. My second post shows some alternate introductions to this paper, all starting in different ways. I tried to use different techniques that we learned to start our papers to see which one fit my paper the best. My third post is the first draft and analysis of my Seven Deadly Sins essay. Here I tried to analyze how interesting it was for me to create a paper and an analysis on a topic I have never been familiar with, but still trying to make the essay flow. For my fourth draft I posted my revised “Seven Deadly Sins” paper. In this post I tried to expand more on all of the events that happened all throughout my paper. I also wanted to add more details in my introduction and during the events. In my first draft most of the examples were established but I think in this second draft it is clearer with more details. In my fifth post I came up with different conclusions I could use for the deadly sins paper. Each conclusion had a different technique that I had learned about by reading through an article all about conclusions. The sixth post was all about the paper “How to Utilize Your Senior Skip Day” that I had written with Eric and Kelsey. This was a very fun essay to write because there were so many different ways to create this paper. It was fun to analyze the topic together and write the essay. Receiving peer feedback for this essay also helped me understand and analyze revisions we could later incorporate in our draft. In my seventh post I asked Ms. Basko to analyze my character sketch paper because I feel as though it was the draft that had the most meaning to me and it is one that I really wanted to finish on a strong note. Finally with my eighth and final post I had my revised character sketch with all of the feedback Ms. Basko gave to me incorporated into it. Enjoy the blog!
Fred Crilly
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Character Sketch Reflection
I really enjoyed writing this paper the most because it is about someone that I interact with on a daily basis. When you interact with someone that much you really get a good sense of what they are like. I believe this paper does a good job with describing what kind of person Mr. Schembri is. I would like to try and get feedback from you on this paper. The first thing I would like to know is how I could make the introduction and conclusion better or what should I add to them. Second I would like to know if my dominant impression stated in the introduction is clear all throughout the paper. Lastly I would like to know if there is anything in the middle of the paper that should be added.
Fred Crilly
Character Sketch
Mr. Schembri is a man of his word. If he says he will do something he will always do it. Even if it is the craziest thing anyone could ever do. He is a very respectable man who has an influence on anyone that comes into his life. Mr. Schembri is a very intelligent man who seems like he has an answer for everything. Whether it is about lacrosse, nature, or the most ridiculous biology questions, he has an answer. Coach Schembri can always bring out the best in everyone. When he cracks jokes he can brighten your day or he can bring it a little down if he finds out you did something. You can never get something past him. He will always find out what you did. Then when he does find out you go onto his “Poo Poo List.” That is not a place that you want to be. It is very hard to get off of the Poo Poo list.
Being a varsity coach is a lot of pressure and work. Coach Schembri handles all of the pressure and work very well and still has time for his family. It seems like he is always trying to put everyone before himself and he is trying to teach us to do that along with leadership and respect. Coach Schembri is a big man. “Use what your mama gave you” is one of his favorite quotes. And when he plays sports he uses what his mama gave him! He has big tree trunk legs that move quicker than you think. He also has a nice bald head that is usually covered when he is outside by his Penfield Lacrosse hat or a Nike hat. When you look at Mr. Schembri straight in the eyes you might get a little intimidated at first. That’s normal. But right when you walk into his room you get a friendly “hello how are you doing?” Once you get to meet him he is a pretty funny character. He can be a very serious man at times. During school, practices, and games he with his three boys, or in the off season that is when he shows the teenager side of himself. He is a very entertaining person to be around if you just want to have a laugh.
During a lacrosse practice Coach Schembri will call the whole team over to talk. He will tell us all to stand behind a certain line. Once he says that everyone looks down to see if anyone is on or over the line. There is one quote that will stick in my head forever from Coach Schembri. “On the line is over the line.” He repeats that sentence over and over again throughout the year. In lacrosse if you are on the line you are over it. Not like in soccer where if the ball is still on the line it is still in. That one sentence from Mr. Schembri shows a lot about him. He does not like to cut corners and he does not let his team cut corners. Coach Schembri does not believe in half effort. You go hard every time to do something for him. If we cut corners he makes us do more. During workouts, preseason, and games he will always say it.
Coach Schembri is a very passionate person. When he has a job to do he always does it to the best of his ability. He never puts half effort into something. He is always there for you when you need help with a problem, school, sports, or even life in general. He is the person that wants to help people and wants to see people succeed. He is always trying to make people better and pushing people because he knows that they can always do better.
Fred Crilly
Character Sketch
Mr. Schembri is a man of his word. If he says he will do something he will always do it. Even if it is the craziest thing anyone could ever do. He is a very respectable man who has an influence on anyone that comes into his life. Mr. Schembri is a very intelligent man who seems like he has an answer for everything. Whether it is about lacrosse, nature, or the most ridiculous biology questions, he has an answer. Coach Schembri can always bring out the best in everyone. When he cracks jokes he can brighten your day or he can bring it a little down if he finds out you did something. You can never get something past him. He will always find out what you did. Then when he does find out you go onto his “Poo Poo List.” That is not a place that you want to be. It is very hard to get off of the Poo Poo list.
Being a varsity coach is a lot of pressure and work. Coach Schembri handles all of the pressure and work very well and still has time for his family. It seems like he is always trying to put everyone before himself and he is trying to teach us to do that along with leadership and respect. Coach Schembri is a big man. “Use what your mama gave you” is one of his favorite quotes. And when he plays sports he uses what his mama gave him! He has big tree trunk legs that move quicker than you think. He also has a nice bald head that is usually covered when he is outside by his Penfield Lacrosse hat or a Nike hat. When you look at Mr. Schembri straight in the eyes you might get a little intimidated at first. That’s normal. But right when you walk into his room you get a friendly “hello how are you doing?” Once you get to meet him he is a pretty funny character. He can be a very serious man at times. During school, practices, and games he with his three boys, or in the off season that is when he shows the teenager side of himself. He is a very entertaining person to be around if you just want to have a laugh.
During a lacrosse practice Coach Schembri will call the whole team over to talk. He will tell us all to stand behind a certain line. Once he says that everyone looks down to see if anyone is on or over the line. There is one quote that will stick in my head forever from Coach Schembri. “On the line is over the line.” He repeats that sentence over and over again throughout the year. In lacrosse if you are on the line you are over it. Not like in soccer where if the ball is still on the line it is still in. That one sentence from Mr. Schembri shows a lot about him. He does not like to cut corners and he does not let his team cut corners. Coach Schembri does not believe in half effort. You go hard every time to do something for him. If we cut corners he makes us do more. During workouts, preseason, and games he will always say it.
Coach Schembri is a very passionate person. When he has a job to do he always does it to the best of his ability. He never puts half effort into something. He is always there for you when you need help with a problem, school, sports, or even life in general. He is the person that wants to help people and wants to see people succeed. He is always trying to make people better and pushing people because he knows that they can always do better.
How to Paper Reflection
My initial thought on this paper were that it was going to be a little bit easier than the ones we have done in the past just because it had so many different ways to write. When we first got into our groups we needed to decide which format we would use for this paper.
To come up with our topic we all brainstormed different ideas. After that, we all shared our ideas and picked what we thought was the best ones. We did not come across any real obstacles because we all worked very well together and came to a consensus. It was very easy for us to come up with many different things to list in our paper. Our topic was senior skip days so we all had different fantasies about how to spend our senior skip day. The list of different things you could do on a senior skip day was easy for us to make. we had a huge list of things in the beginning but had to narrow it down. It was also easy for us to explain what a good senior skip day consists of.
We would like to make revisions on the conclusion to wrap the whole paper up and bring it together. Maybe add a story about a former senior and how they spent their senior skip day. Also we need to add more to our explanations and add a few photos.
Kelsey, Fred, Eric
How to Utilize Your Senior Skip Day
Senior skip day is a day in which seniors don’t go to any of their classes and instead enjoy a day of leisure and fun. It’s a tradition most commonly seen in Canadian and American high schools. On this day the whole senior classes excuse themselves from school and do things. Popular skip days have been known to fall on Halloween, April 20Th and May 5Th. On this particular day someone can do a countless number of things, and it should be something exciting. So this paper is a guide to help you utilize your day off from school productively.
Steps to plan a senior skip day so that it actually works
Many times in high school a bunch of seniors may randomly decide to skip school and tell a couple of people, hoping it will get out and other seniors will get the memo. However this is not always effective, and many times only a handful of kids actually end up hearing about it. If it’s not planned and thought out it wont’ happen. In some cases being spontaneous is alright, but in this case it isn’t a good idea. We thought up some ways that you can be sure that this day will happen. Some ideas are listed below.
• Make a Facebook group
• Text every senior in your contacts
• Make an announcement in the commons during free
• Get a teacher to agree on the date so they can pass it on to all their senior students
• Talk an administrator into going on the intercom or morning announcements to broadcast the date
The wrong way to spend your senior skip day
When given the privileged not to attend school there are certain things you should not do. It’s you day off, so you should be having fun and not be boring. Many people look at this day as a way to catch up on sleep or do an essay that’s due the next day, but this is not a good idea. On your day off you should take advantage of the opportunity and not do the following listed below.
• sleep
• do homework
• go to school
• work
• clean
• not hang out with people
• get arrested
• drive your siblings to school
• Get caught
The correct way to spend your senior skip day
As stated in the previous paragraph your senior skip day should not be boring. If senior skip day is on a Friday the following would work out better because an extended weekend means more time to enjoy your day off. Some ideas on how to accomplish this are listed below.
• Road trip
• Go to the beach
• Do something unoriginal
• Go to a baseball game
• Steal your friends dad’s car
• Not getting arrested
• Not getting caught
• Giant water balloon war (if it’s warm)
• Go to a football game
To come up with our topic we all brainstormed different ideas. After that, we all shared our ideas and picked what we thought was the best ones. We did not come across any real obstacles because we all worked very well together and came to a consensus. It was very easy for us to come up with many different things to list in our paper. Our topic was senior skip days so we all had different fantasies about how to spend our senior skip day. The list of different things you could do on a senior skip day was easy for us to make. we had a huge list of things in the beginning but had to narrow it down. It was also easy for us to explain what a good senior skip day consists of.
We would like to make revisions on the conclusion to wrap the whole paper up and bring it together. Maybe add a story about a former senior and how they spent their senior skip day. Also we need to add more to our explanations and add a few photos.
Kelsey, Fred, Eric
How to Utilize Your Senior Skip Day
Senior skip day is a day in which seniors don’t go to any of their classes and instead enjoy a day of leisure and fun. It’s a tradition most commonly seen in Canadian and American high schools. On this day the whole senior classes excuse themselves from school and do things. Popular skip days have been known to fall on Halloween, April 20Th and May 5Th. On this particular day someone can do a countless number of things, and it should be something exciting. So this paper is a guide to help you utilize your day off from school productively.
Steps to plan a senior skip day so that it actually works
Many times in high school a bunch of seniors may randomly decide to skip school and tell a couple of people, hoping it will get out and other seniors will get the memo. However this is not always effective, and many times only a handful of kids actually end up hearing about it. If it’s not planned and thought out it wont’ happen. In some cases being spontaneous is alright, but in this case it isn’t a good idea. We thought up some ways that you can be sure that this day will happen. Some ideas are listed below.
• Make a Facebook group
• Text every senior in your contacts
• Make an announcement in the commons during free
• Get a teacher to agree on the date so they can pass it on to all their senior students
• Talk an administrator into going on the intercom or morning announcements to broadcast the date
The wrong way to spend your senior skip day
When given the privileged not to attend school there are certain things you should not do. It’s you day off, so you should be having fun and not be boring. Many people look at this day as a way to catch up on sleep or do an essay that’s due the next day, but this is not a good idea. On your day off you should take advantage of the opportunity and not do the following listed below.
• sleep
• do homework
• go to school
• work
• clean
• not hang out with people
• get arrested
• drive your siblings to school
• Get caught
The correct way to spend your senior skip day
As stated in the previous paragraph your senior skip day should not be boring. If senior skip day is on a Friday the following would work out better because an extended weekend means more time to enjoy your day off. Some ideas on how to accomplish this are listed below.
• Road trip
• Go to the beach
• Do something unoriginal
• Go to a baseball game
• Steal your friends dad’s car
• Not getting arrested
• Not getting caught
• Giant water balloon war (if it’s warm)
• Go to a football game
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
2 New Conclusions
1) My first conclusion I am going to conclude with a prediction. I should try to have it follow with the events in my paper. I should not make any new points or ideas. I really like this technique because it gets the reader using their imagination a little bit. Thinking about what could possibly happen next for Jeremy.
Because of all the interesting events that have gone on around Jeremy all he could think about on his way home was what will happen next. Would this keep going on and on? What other crazy events are ahead of me today? Jeremy was very confused about what happened that day. He will never have another day like that ever again.
2)A warning based on the essays thesis. Try to explain all of the events very quickly and have a small warning about them. When people see warnings they imedietly start thinking about what would happen if you dont follow the warning.
Right when he arrived home Jeremy told all of his friends about what happened at the mall. He was so confused about everything he could barely talk about it but eventually he got it out. He told his friends to be aware and that all of the sins could come up at any time for anyone. You never know when they will hit you.
Because of all the interesting events that have gone on around Jeremy all he could think about on his way home was what will happen next. Would this keep going on and on? What other crazy events are ahead of me today? Jeremy was very confused about what happened that day. He will never have another day like that ever again.
2)A warning based on the essays thesis. Try to explain all of the events very quickly and have a small warning about them. When people see warnings they imedietly start thinking about what would happen if you dont follow the warning.
Right when he arrived home Jeremy told all of his friends about what happened at the mall. He was so confused about everything he could barely talk about it but eventually he got it out. He told his friends to be aware and that all of the sins could come up at any time for anyone. You never know when they will hit you.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Deadly Mall
With my second draft I tried to expand more on all of the events that happened all throughout my paper. I also wanted to all more details in my introduction and during the events. In my first draft most of the examples were established but i think in this second draft it is more clear with more details.
Fred Crilly
Sins in the Mall
Jeremy loves going to the mall with his friends. Almost every weekend they all go, hangout, and just have fun. It is always an adventure when you are with Jeremy and you never know what will happen. Jeremy enjoys going to every store that he sees and usually spends money in each one. When Jeremy gets his eyes on something he wants, he will buy it. On Friday all 7 sins were committed in the mall in many different stores. Where ever Jeremy went another sin was committed. It was like they were all following him. This will be a very interesting day for Jeremy and a day he will never forget.
Before going to the mall Jeremy had to stop at the Family First Credit Union to get money for his soon to be adventure. When he walked into the bank everything looked normal. He filled out his form to take out money and went into the line. When he got in line the person in front of him looked very suspicious. He looked nervous and very anxious. Then it happened. When he was called up to line he pulled out his gun and demanded the accountant to give him the money out of the safe. During this whole ordeal someone in the back of the line had secretly called the police. She eventually gave him all of the money in the safe and the guy bolted toward the door. Unfortunately for him the cops were already waiting at the exit to tackle him to the ground.
Once everything was sorted out and Jeremy got his money for the day he headed down to the mall where his first stop would be FYE. On his way to FYE he passed the Victoria Secret store. When he walked past the doors he could see all of the models inside surrounded by many guys. All of them trying to get near the models. Each one was trying to get to talk to the models and get to know them a little bit. Jeremy was a little wierded out by this so he ignored it and kept walking to his destination.
When Jeremy got to FYE he was walking around looking for a very specific game everyone wanted. It was Madden 2012. Everyone was rushing around to get it. When Jeremy got into the store he saw a huge crowd around where the game was. It was almost like watching little puppies fighting over food. He tried to plow through everyone in the crowd but they were all much bigger than he was. Once he got to the front all of the games were gone. Madden 2012 was all sold out. The rest of the time in FYE Jeremy was walking around wishing that he got their a little earlier so he could have gotten the game and thinking about how amazing it would be to play that game.
After the whole FYE trip Jeremy wanted to get some food. The closest food place in the mall was DICKS. DICKS is a restaurant that purposely treats you bad. Jeremy really wanted to get food so he went there even though he knew it would be a nightmare. After the waiters messed up his order, didn’t bring him is drink, and were acting mean, Jeremy decided to just go to McDonald's for lunch. There he ordered a Big Mac with large fries and a large McFlurry. Everything looked so good but at the same time was very fatty.
After eating at McDonald's, Jeremy felt bad about himself because of all the bad fatty food that he just ate so he went to GNC, the nutrition store. This store has a lot of protein products in it with a lot of other muscle building products. The guy that helped Jeremy find the stuff he wanted was big, tough, strong, and muscular. Everything Jeremy wanted to be. He was very confident with what he was saying and looked like he knew a lot. This whole time Jeremy was thinking about what happened at FYE and wishing he was bigger so he could have gotten that game he was waited to get for three months now.
When Jeremy left GNC he went into Bed Bath and Beyond and buy a bed he always wanted. He was so tired from all the walking he did that day that he had to lay down. While lying on the bed, Jeremy was thinking about all of the crazy thinks that went on that day all around him. It was nothing like anything he has ever experienced. Jeremy fell asleep and took a nice long nap. Once he woke up it was 5pm and was time to leave the mall to go home.
Fred Crilly
Sins in the Mall
Jeremy loves going to the mall with his friends. Almost every weekend they all go, hangout, and just have fun. It is always an adventure when you are with Jeremy and you never know what will happen. Jeremy enjoys going to every store that he sees and usually spends money in each one. When Jeremy gets his eyes on something he wants, he will buy it. On Friday all 7 sins were committed in the mall in many different stores. Where ever Jeremy went another sin was committed. It was like they were all following him. This will be a very interesting day for Jeremy and a day he will never forget.
Before going to the mall Jeremy had to stop at the Family First Credit Union to get money for his soon to be adventure. When he walked into the bank everything looked normal. He filled out his form to take out money and went into the line. When he got in line the person in front of him looked very suspicious. He looked nervous and very anxious. Then it happened. When he was called up to line he pulled out his gun and demanded the accountant to give him the money out of the safe. During this whole ordeal someone in the back of the line had secretly called the police. She eventually gave him all of the money in the safe and the guy bolted toward the door. Unfortunately for him the cops were already waiting at the exit to tackle him to the ground.
Once everything was sorted out and Jeremy got his money for the day he headed down to the mall where his first stop would be FYE. On his way to FYE he passed the Victoria Secret store. When he walked past the doors he could see all of the models inside surrounded by many guys. All of them trying to get near the models. Each one was trying to get to talk to the models and get to know them a little bit. Jeremy was a little wierded out by this so he ignored it and kept walking to his destination.
When Jeremy got to FYE he was walking around looking for a very specific game everyone wanted. It was Madden 2012. Everyone was rushing around to get it. When Jeremy got into the store he saw a huge crowd around where the game was. It was almost like watching little puppies fighting over food. He tried to plow through everyone in the crowd but they were all much bigger than he was. Once he got to the front all of the games were gone. Madden 2012 was all sold out. The rest of the time in FYE Jeremy was walking around wishing that he got their a little earlier so he could have gotten the game and thinking about how amazing it would be to play that game.
After the whole FYE trip Jeremy wanted to get some food. The closest food place in the mall was DICKS. DICKS is a restaurant that purposely treats you bad. Jeremy really wanted to get food so he went there even though he knew it would be a nightmare. After the waiters messed up his order, didn’t bring him is drink, and were acting mean, Jeremy decided to just go to McDonald's for lunch. There he ordered a Big Mac with large fries and a large McFlurry. Everything looked so good but at the same time was very fatty.
After eating at McDonald's, Jeremy felt bad about himself because of all the bad fatty food that he just ate so he went to GNC, the nutrition store. This store has a lot of protein products in it with a lot of other muscle building products. The guy that helped Jeremy find the stuff he wanted was big, tough, strong, and muscular. Everything Jeremy wanted to be. He was very confident with what he was saying and looked like he knew a lot. This whole time Jeremy was thinking about what happened at FYE and wishing he was bigger so he could have gotten that game he was waited to get for three months now.
When Jeremy left GNC he went into Bed Bath and Beyond and buy a bed he always wanted. He was so tired from all the walking he did that day that he had to lay down. While lying on the bed, Jeremy was thinking about all of the crazy thinks that went on that day all around him. It was nothing like anything he has ever experienced. Jeremy fell asleep and took a nice long nap. Once he woke up it was 5pm and was time to leave the mall to go home.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
7 Deadly Sins Reflection
While reading the "All Seven Deadly Sins Committed at Church Bake Sale" paper I was thinking a lot about how creative all of the events were. It was funny that the person who wrote this had the sins all committed at a church. A church is probably the last place you would expect the sins to be committed.
Writing the draft was very fun. Thinking about all of the creative ways that the sins could be committed. I think one of the most difficult thing was to get all of the events to flow as one and not all jump around. If the events jumped around then the reader would get confused on what is going on. Because it flowed well all of the events made sense where they were. After I figured out how all of the events would line up it was easy to explain how one of the seven sins were committed at each event.
In my second draft, even though I thought it was easy, I would like to add to each event to make the events more interesting. When I read the draft yesterday I thought that the introduction could use a lot of work. I want to add more description about where the sins were committed and put more of a plot into it. Also I would like to insert more details in each event. I really liked my thesis sentence and how it flowed all throughout the paper. Each event had good timing and it did not jump around. It will be clear to the reader what ties the examples together because all of the events are explained well. All of my examples are on track I just need to expand on them more to make them better. After doing the self-revision sheet I would like to add observations and quotes throughout the whole paper to make it better.
7 Deadly Sins Paper
Fred Crilly
Jeremy loves going to the mall with his friends. He enjoys going to every store that he sees and usually spends money in each one. On Friday all 7 sins were committed in the mall in three different stores. This was a very interesting day for Jeremy and a day he will never forget.
Before going into a real store in the mall Jeremy had to stop at the Family First Credit Union to get money for his adventure. When he went in everything looked normal. He filled out his form to take out money and went into the line. When he got in line the person in front of him looked very suspicious. He looked nervous and very anxious. Then it happened. When he was called up to line he pulled out his gun and demanded the accountant to give him all of the money in the safe. She gave him all of the money in the safe she had and the guy bolted toward the door. Unfortunately for him the cops were waiting at the exit to tackle him to the ground.
Once everything was sorted out and Jeremy got his money for the day he headed down to FYE. On his way to FYE he passed the Victoria Secret store. When he walked past the doors he could see all of the models inside surrounded by guys. All of them trying to get near the models. Each one was trying to get to talk to the models and wanted all of them.
When Jeremy got to FYE he was walking around looking for a very specific game everyone wanted! It was Madden 12. Everyone was rushing around to get it. When Jeremy got into the store he saw a huge crowd around where the game was. He tried to plow through everyone in the crowd but they were all to big. Once he got to the front all of the games were gone. Madden 12 was all sold out. The rest of the time in FYE Jeremy was just wishing that he got their a little earlier so he could have gotten the game.
After the whole FYE trip Jeremy wanted to get some food. The closest food place in the mall was DICKS. DICKS is a restaurant that purposely treats you bad. Jeremy really wanted to get food so he just went there. After the waiters messed up his order, didn’t bring him is drink and were acting mean Jeremy decided to just go to McDonalds for lunch. He ordered a Big Mac with large fries and a big McFlurry! Everything looked so good and fatty!
After that Jeremy felt bad because of all the bad fatty food that he just ate so he went to GNC, the nutrition store. This store has a lot of protein things in it with a lot of other muscle building products. The guy that helped Jeremy find the stuff he wanted was big, tough, strong, and muscular. He was very confident with what he was saying and looked like he knew a lot.
When Jeremy left GNC he went into Bed Bath and Beyond and say a bed he always wanted. He was so tired from all the walking he did that day that he had to lay down. While lying on the bed Jeremy fell asleep and took a nice long nap. Once he woke up it was 5pm and was time to leave the mall to go home.
Writing the draft was very fun. Thinking about all of the creative ways that the sins could be committed. I think one of the most difficult thing was to get all of the events to flow as one and not all jump around. If the events jumped around then the reader would get confused on what is going on. Because it flowed well all of the events made sense where they were. After I figured out how all of the events would line up it was easy to explain how one of the seven sins were committed at each event.
In my second draft, even though I thought it was easy, I would like to add to each event to make the events more interesting. When I read the draft yesterday I thought that the introduction could use a lot of work. I want to add more description about where the sins were committed and put more of a plot into it. Also I would like to insert more details in each event. I really liked my thesis sentence and how it flowed all throughout the paper. Each event had good timing and it did not jump around. It will be clear to the reader what ties the examples together because all of the events are explained well. All of my examples are on track I just need to expand on them more to make them better. After doing the self-revision sheet I would like to add observations and quotes throughout the whole paper to make it better.
7 Deadly Sins Paper
Fred Crilly
Jeremy loves going to the mall with his friends. He enjoys going to every store that he sees and usually spends money in each one. On Friday all 7 sins were committed in the mall in three different stores. This was a very interesting day for Jeremy and a day he will never forget.
Before going into a real store in the mall Jeremy had to stop at the Family First Credit Union to get money for his adventure. When he went in everything looked normal. He filled out his form to take out money and went into the line. When he got in line the person in front of him looked very suspicious. He looked nervous and very anxious. Then it happened. When he was called up to line he pulled out his gun and demanded the accountant to give him all of the money in the safe. She gave him all of the money in the safe she had and the guy bolted toward the door. Unfortunately for him the cops were waiting at the exit to tackle him to the ground.
Once everything was sorted out and Jeremy got his money for the day he headed down to FYE. On his way to FYE he passed the Victoria Secret store. When he walked past the doors he could see all of the models inside surrounded by guys. All of them trying to get near the models. Each one was trying to get to talk to the models and wanted all of them.
When Jeremy got to FYE he was walking around looking for a very specific game everyone wanted! It was Madden 12. Everyone was rushing around to get it. When Jeremy got into the store he saw a huge crowd around where the game was. He tried to plow through everyone in the crowd but they were all to big. Once he got to the front all of the games were gone. Madden 12 was all sold out. The rest of the time in FYE Jeremy was just wishing that he got their a little earlier so he could have gotten the game.
After the whole FYE trip Jeremy wanted to get some food. The closest food place in the mall was DICKS. DICKS is a restaurant that purposely treats you bad. Jeremy really wanted to get food so he just went there. After the waiters messed up his order, didn’t bring him is drink and were acting mean Jeremy decided to just go to McDonalds for lunch. He ordered a Big Mac with large fries and a big McFlurry! Everything looked so good and fatty!
After that Jeremy felt bad because of all the bad fatty food that he just ate so he went to GNC, the nutrition store. This store has a lot of protein things in it with a lot of other muscle building products. The guy that helped Jeremy find the stuff he wanted was big, tough, strong, and muscular. He was very confident with what he was saying and looked like he knew a lot.
When Jeremy left GNC he went into Bed Bath and Beyond and say a bed he always wanted. He was so tired from all the walking he did that day that he had to lay down. While lying on the bed Jeremy fell asleep and took a nice long nap. Once he woke up it was 5pm and was time to leave the mall to go home.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Cookie Introduction
In the next few introductions that I will draft I am trying to include new techniques to make it better. In the three new introductions I will try to include statistics, history, and procedures. When I include the statistics I want to show the reader how many cookies America eats and other eye popping stats. With the history part i want to try to explain how the chocolate chip cookie came to be. Lately with the procedures ill explain the steps we went through during the taste testing experiment.
Chocolate chip cookies are the most delicious, original, and best snack to have! They are made both chewy and hard. There are so many different brands to choose from it is hard to choose your favorite. When someone says chocolate chip cookies I think of Chips Ahoy! Before this experiment happened I thought Chips Ahoy was my favorite. That quickly changed. Many of the cookies got the reaction of, “EWWW!” Some however were very good and tasty. In the year 2004 there was 11,295.6 million dollars in cookies sold in America. This number has increased in every year since 1985. In 2010 Chips Ahoy made $313,683,800 in sales. Warm and straight out of the oven is the best way to have any cookie.
Chocolate chip cookies are the most delicious, original, and best snack to have! They are made both chewy and hard. There are so many different brands to choose from it is hard to choose your favorite. Ruth Wakefield invented chocolate chip cookies in 1930 at the Toll House inn she and her husband Keneth ran near Whitman, Massachusetts. Like a bed and breakfast she made food for her guests. One evening in 1937 she got the idea to make a chocolate butter cookie so she broke up one of the bars of semi-sweet chocolate that Andrew Nestle gave her. She thought that it would mix together with the dough & make all chocolate cookies. Needless to say, it didn't. However the cookies came out decent so she served them. They of course were so good they had to be done again. She published the recipes in several newspapers and the recipe became very popular. When someone says chocolate chip cookies I think of Chips Ahoy! Before this experiment happened I thought Chips Ahoy was my favorite. That quickly changed. Many of the cookies got the reaction of, “EWWW!” Some however were very good and tasty. Warm and straight out of the oven is the best way to have any cookie.
Chocolate chip cookies are the most delicious, original, and best snack to have! They are made both chewy and hard. There are so many different brands to choose from it is hard to choose your favorite. When someone says chocolate chip cookies I think of Chips Ahoy! Before this experiment happened I thought Chips Ahoy was my favorite. That quickly changed. During the experiment we each took a cookie that was the same brand. Then we all tried the cookie and the same time. After that, we each said what we thought about the cookie and had a little conversation about it. We did this same process for each of the brands. Many of the cookies got the reaction of, “EWWW!” Some however were very good and tasty. Warm and straight out of the oven is the best way to have any cookie.
Chocolate chip cookies are the most delicious, original, and best snack to have! They are made both chewy and hard. There are so many different brands to choose from it is hard to choose your favorite. When someone says chocolate chip cookies I think of Chips Ahoy! Before this experiment happened I thought Chips Ahoy was my favorite. That quickly changed. Many of the cookies got the reaction of, “EWWW!” Some however were very good and tasty. In the year 2004 there was 11,295.6 million dollars in cookies sold in America. This number has increased in every year since 1985. In 2010 Chips Ahoy made $313,683,800 in sales. Warm and straight out of the oven is the best way to have any cookie.
Chocolate chip cookies are the most delicious, original, and best snack to have! They are made both chewy and hard. There are so many different brands to choose from it is hard to choose your favorite. Ruth Wakefield invented chocolate chip cookies in 1930 at the Toll House inn she and her husband Keneth ran near Whitman, Massachusetts. Like a bed and breakfast she made food for her guests. One evening in 1937 she got the idea to make a chocolate butter cookie so she broke up one of the bars of semi-sweet chocolate that Andrew Nestle gave her. She thought that it would mix together with the dough & make all chocolate cookies. Needless to say, it didn't. However the cookies came out decent so she served them. They of course were so good they had to be done again. She published the recipes in several newspapers and the recipe became very popular. When someone says chocolate chip cookies I think of Chips Ahoy! Before this experiment happened I thought Chips Ahoy was my favorite. That quickly changed. Many of the cookies got the reaction of, “EWWW!” Some however were very good and tasty. Warm and straight out of the oven is the best way to have any cookie.
Chocolate chip cookies are the most delicious, original, and best snack to have! They are made both chewy and hard. There are so many different brands to choose from it is hard to choose your favorite. When someone says chocolate chip cookies I think of Chips Ahoy! Before this experiment happened I thought Chips Ahoy was my favorite. That quickly changed. During the experiment we each took a cookie that was the same brand. Then we all tried the cookie and the same time. After that, we each said what we thought about the cookie and had a little conversation about it. We did this same process for each of the brands. Many of the cookies got the reaction of, “EWWW!” Some however were very good and tasty. Warm and straight out of the oven is the best way to have any cookie.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Cookie Reflection
My food paper was about my favorite type of chocolate chip cookie. For this paper I had to try many different types of chocolate chip cookies, look at their packaging, and see what other peoples reaction were to the cookie. The first draft could have been very difficult but for me it was not. If you took a lot of good notes while trying all of the cookies I'm sure you had an easy time writing the first draft. The easiest part for me was putting in everyone else's reaction when they ate the certain brand of cookie. I tried to listen and see what everyone said about the cookie they tried. While working on this I really realized that sometimes you think something is the best but that might not be the case. There could be something else better out there somewhere. I thought Chips Ahoy was my favorite but after the taste test I was wrong. During this draft I tried to incorporate definition, background, examples, quotes that other people in the group said while tasting the cookie, opinions on how the cookie tasted from the group, and comparison between each of the different brands of cookies.
I thought in my first draft I did a good job of catching the readers eye. The introduction stated my opinion on chocolate chip cookies and I talked about the experiment. I liked how throughout the whole paper I started to change by mind on my favorite kind of cookie from Chips Ahoy to Chips Deluxe. In my next draft I think I will try to add some statistics, and history. I will also use all of the feedback that my partner gave to me. It was very helpful to read her paper and see what she wrote about and what she added into her paper.
I got a lot of good feedback from my partner. She said that they liked the change in opinion and the comparison between the cookie brands. She also really liked the "EWWW!" I put in the paper. She said that it really caught her eye and I had good detail. She also suggested that I should add a few more things about what the experiment was. Maybe add the procedures of what happened during the experiment. She also said to write some more about what a chocolate chip cookie is to me.
For my final draft I would like to extend my introduction a little bit. I will keep what I have but add some statistics and the history on chocolate chip cookies. I also want to try to extend on the explanation about this whole experiment. When I go back to review my notes I think I will find a few things that I could add into my paper that would make it more interesting. I will try to find some more quotes from different people when they tried the cookie and add more of their opinions.
Fred Crilly
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Compare and Contrast
Chocolate chip cookies are the most delicious, original, and best snack to have! They are made both chewy and hard. There are so many different brands to choose from it is hard to choose your favorite. When someone says chocolate chip cookies I think of Chips Ahoy! Before this experiment happened I thought Chips Ahoy was my favorite. That quickly changed. Many of the cookies got the reaction of, “EWWW!” Some however were very good and tasty. Warm and straight out of the oven is the best way to have any cookie.
Packaging is the key to getting peoples attention to eat your product. When you look at a package for a product, it should want you to think of buying the product. Two packages that did not amuse me were the Wegman’s brand and the Sugar free brand. Both were made of clear plastic where you can actually see the cookies and a solid colored logo. The letters on both were white, bold, and non- creative. On the Chips Deluxe and Chips Ahoy packages there were many different colors and things going on with the package. On the Chips Deluxe package it promises you chocolate in every bite. Also there is a happy little elf that will make people smile and want to have the cookie. With the Chips Ahoy package there was an easy open logo on it. It was multi colored and their animation guy was a cookie with a face on it. With both of these packages you can get a visual of what the cookie will look like. Both have chocolate chips all over the front of the package. The two cookies that look most intriguing to me were the Chips Ahoy and Chips Deluxe.
Right when you pick up a chocolate chip cookie you judge it right away. Chips Deluxe cookies were not to hard but they were not soft either. When you smell the cookie you can smell all of the delicious chocolate chips in it. The Chips Ahoy cookie was a little bit harder than the Chips Deluxe cookie but you could still smell all of the chocolate chips in it. When I picked up the Wegman’s brand it felt very soft. The chocolate chips were a lot bigger than the Chips Deluxe and Chips Ahoy cookies and there were less of them in the cookie. Same thing with the Sugar free brand. It looked a little like the Chips Deluxe brand but a lot softer. The size of the Chips Ahoy, Chips Deluxe, and the Sugar free cookies were very similar to each other. They both had about the same circumference of a baseball. The Wegman’s brand cookie was a lot bigger than the other three. The Wegman’s brand was about the size of a CD disc.
When you put a chocolate chip cookie in your mouth you will either feel like you are in heaven or in a nightmare. With the Chips Deluxe and the Chips Ahoy cookies people felt like they were in heaven. The Wegman’s brand and the Sugar free brand were just nightmares. When people put the Chips Deluxe cookie in their mouth the one saying that stuck out to me the most was, “It is pretty damn good!” For the Chips Ahoy cookie people were saying, “Now that’s a good cookie.” They were both delicious and I could not stop eating them. Every cookie made my want another. When I ate the Wegman’s and Sugar free brand cookies I did not get that same feeling. The Wegman’s and Sugar free brand both got a reaction of “EWW!” The Wegman’s brand you could not taste anything. It was very bland. The Sugar free brand seemed “stale, dry, and tasted like a vanilla wafer with chocolate.” I ate one of each of those brands and that’s the last time I think I will ever eat one of them.
Before this experiment my favorite chocolate chip cookie was the Chips Ahoy brand. Now having tasted all of the other brands I believe my new favorite chocolate chip cookie is the Chips Deluxe flavor. Right on the front of the package for the Chips Deluxe it says “chocolate in every bite.” They were right! Every bite you could taste the chocolate chips and they were just perfect.
I thought in my first draft I did a good job of catching the readers eye. The introduction stated my opinion on chocolate chip cookies and I talked about the experiment. I liked how throughout the whole paper I started to change by mind on my favorite kind of cookie from Chips Ahoy to Chips Deluxe. In my next draft I think I will try to add some statistics, and history. I will also use all of the feedback that my partner gave to me. It was very helpful to read her paper and see what she wrote about and what she added into her paper.
I got a lot of good feedback from my partner. She said that they liked the change in opinion and the comparison between the cookie brands. She also really liked the "EWWW!" I put in the paper. She said that it really caught her eye and I had good detail. She also suggested that I should add a few more things about what the experiment was. Maybe add the procedures of what happened during the experiment. She also said to write some more about what a chocolate chip cookie is to me.
For my final draft I would like to extend my introduction a little bit. I will keep what I have but add some statistics and the history on chocolate chip cookies. I also want to try to extend on the explanation about this whole experiment. When I go back to review my notes I think I will find a few things that I could add into my paper that would make it more interesting. I will try to find some more quotes from different people when they tried the cookie and add more of their opinions.
Fred Crilly
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Compare and Contrast
Chocolate chip cookies are the most delicious, original, and best snack to have! They are made both chewy and hard. There are so many different brands to choose from it is hard to choose your favorite. When someone says chocolate chip cookies I think of Chips Ahoy! Before this experiment happened I thought Chips Ahoy was my favorite. That quickly changed. Many of the cookies got the reaction of, “EWWW!” Some however were very good and tasty. Warm and straight out of the oven is the best way to have any cookie.
Packaging is the key to getting peoples attention to eat your product. When you look at a package for a product, it should want you to think of buying the product. Two packages that did not amuse me were the Wegman’s brand and the Sugar free brand. Both were made of clear plastic where you can actually see the cookies and a solid colored logo. The letters on both were white, bold, and non- creative. On the Chips Deluxe and Chips Ahoy packages there were many different colors and things going on with the package. On the Chips Deluxe package it promises you chocolate in every bite. Also there is a happy little elf that will make people smile and want to have the cookie. With the Chips Ahoy package there was an easy open logo on it. It was multi colored and their animation guy was a cookie with a face on it. With both of these packages you can get a visual of what the cookie will look like. Both have chocolate chips all over the front of the package. The two cookies that look most intriguing to me were the Chips Ahoy and Chips Deluxe.
Right when you pick up a chocolate chip cookie you judge it right away. Chips Deluxe cookies were not to hard but they were not soft either. When you smell the cookie you can smell all of the delicious chocolate chips in it. The Chips Ahoy cookie was a little bit harder than the Chips Deluxe cookie but you could still smell all of the chocolate chips in it. When I picked up the Wegman’s brand it felt very soft. The chocolate chips were a lot bigger than the Chips Deluxe and Chips Ahoy cookies and there were less of them in the cookie. Same thing with the Sugar free brand. It looked a little like the Chips Deluxe brand but a lot softer. The size of the Chips Ahoy, Chips Deluxe, and the Sugar free cookies were very similar to each other. They both had about the same circumference of a baseball. The Wegman’s brand cookie was a lot bigger than the other three. The Wegman’s brand was about the size of a CD disc.
When you put a chocolate chip cookie in your mouth you will either feel like you are in heaven or in a nightmare. With the Chips Deluxe and the Chips Ahoy cookies people felt like they were in heaven. The Wegman’s brand and the Sugar free brand were just nightmares. When people put the Chips Deluxe cookie in their mouth the one saying that stuck out to me the most was, “It is pretty damn good!” For the Chips Ahoy cookie people were saying, “Now that’s a good cookie.” They were both delicious and I could not stop eating them. Every cookie made my want another. When I ate the Wegman’s and Sugar free brand cookies I did not get that same feeling. The Wegman’s and Sugar free brand both got a reaction of “EWW!” The Wegman’s brand you could not taste anything. It was very bland. The Sugar free brand seemed “stale, dry, and tasted like a vanilla wafer with chocolate.” I ate one of each of those brands and that’s the last time I think I will ever eat one of them.
Before this experiment my favorite chocolate chip cookie was the Chips Ahoy brand. Now having tasted all of the other brands I believe my new favorite chocolate chip cookie is the Chips Deluxe flavor. Right on the front of the package for the Chips Deluxe it says “chocolate in every bite.” They were right! Every bite you could taste the chocolate chips and they were just perfect.
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