7 Deadly Sins Reflection

While reading the "All Seven Deadly Sins Committed at Church Bake Sale" paper I was thinking a lot about how creative all of the events were. It was funny that the person who wrote this had the sins all committed at a church. A church is probably the last place you would expect the sins to be committed.
Writing the draft was very fun. Thinking about all of the creative ways that the sins could be committed. I think one of the most difficult thing was to get all of the events to flow as one and not all jump around. If the events jumped around then the reader would get confused on what is going on. Because it flowed well all of the events made sense where they were. After I figured out how all of the events would line up it was easy to explain how one of the seven sins were committed at each event.
In my second draft, even though I thought it was easy, I would like to add to each event to make the events more interesting. When I read the draft yesterday I thought that the introduction could use a lot of work. I want to add more description about where the sins were committed and put more of a plot into it. Also I would like to insert more details in each event. I really liked my thesis sentence and how it flowed all throughout the paper. Each event had good timing and it did not jump around. It will be clear to the reader what ties the examples together because all of the events are explained well. All of my examples are on track I just need to expand on them more to make them better. After doing the self-revision sheet I would like to add observations and quotes throughout the whole paper to make it better.

7 Deadly Sins Paper
Fred Crilly

Jeremy loves going to the mall with his friends. He enjoys going to every store that he sees and usually spends money in each one. On Friday all 7 sins were committed in the mall in three different stores. This was a very interesting day for Jeremy and a day he will never forget.
Before going into a real store in the mall Jeremy had to stop at the Family First Credit Union to get money for his adventure. When he went in everything looked normal. He filled out his form to take out money and went into the line. When he got in line the person in front of him looked very suspicious. He looked nervous and very anxious. Then it happened. When he was called up to line he pulled out his gun and demanded the accountant to give him all of the money in the safe. She gave him all of the money in the safe she had and the guy bolted toward the door. Unfortunately for him the cops were waiting at the exit to tackle him to the ground.
Once everything was sorted out and Jeremy got his money for the day he headed down to FYE. On his way to FYE he passed the Victoria Secret store. When he walked past the doors he could see all of the models inside surrounded by guys. All of them trying to get near the models. Each one was trying to get to talk to the models and wanted all of them.
When Jeremy got to FYE he was walking around looking for a very specific game everyone wanted! It was Madden 12. Everyone was rushing around to get it. When Jeremy got into the store he saw a huge crowd around where the game was. He tried to plow through everyone in the crowd but they were all to big. Once he got to the front all of the games were gone. Madden 12 was all sold out. The rest of the time in FYE Jeremy was just wishing that he got their a little earlier so he could have gotten the game.
After the whole FYE trip Jeremy wanted to get some food. The closest food place in the mall was DICKS. DICKS is a restaurant that purposely treats you bad. Jeremy really wanted to get food so he just went there. After the waiters messed up his order, didn’t bring him is drink and were acting mean Jeremy decided to just go to McDonalds for lunch. He ordered a Big Mac with large fries and a big McFlurry! Everything looked so good and fatty!
After that Jeremy felt bad because of all the bad fatty food that he just ate so he went to GNC, the nutrition store. This store has a lot of protein things in it with a lot of other muscle building products. The guy that helped Jeremy find the stuff he wanted was big, tough, strong, and muscular. He was very confident with what he was saying and looked like he knew a lot.
When Jeremy left GNC he went into Bed Bath and Beyond and say a bed he always wanted. He was so tired from all the walking he did that day that he had to lay down. While lying on the bed Jeremy fell asleep and took a nice long nap. Once he woke up it was 5pm and was time to leave the mall to go home.