I really enjoyed writing this paper the most because it is about someone that I interact with on a daily basis. When you interact with someone that much you really get a good sense of what they are like. I believe this paper does a good job with describing what kind of person Mr. Schembri is. I would like to try and get feedback from you on this paper. The first thing I would like to know is how I could make the introduction and conclusion better or what should I add to them. Second I would like to know if my dominant impression stated in the introduction is clear all throughout the paper. Lastly I would like to know if there is anything in the middle of the paper that should be added.
Fred Crilly
Character Sketch
Mr. Schembri is a man of his word. If he says he will do something he will always do it. Even if it is the craziest thing anyone could ever do. He is a very respectable man who has an influence on anyone that comes into his life. Mr. Schembri is a very intelligent man who seems like he has an answer for everything. Whether it is about lacrosse, nature, or the most ridiculous biology questions, he has an answer. Coach Schembri can always bring out the best in everyone. When he cracks jokes he can brighten your day or he can bring it a little down if he finds out you did something. You can never get something past him. He will always find out what you did. Then when he does find out you go onto his “Poo Poo List.” That is not a place that you want to be. It is very hard to get off of the Poo Poo list.
Being a varsity coach is a lot of pressure and work. Coach Schembri handles all of the pressure and work very well and still has time for his family. It seems like he is always trying to put everyone before himself and he is trying to teach us to do that along with leadership and respect. Coach Schembri is a big man. “Use what your mama gave you” is one of his favorite quotes. And when he plays sports he uses what his mama gave him! He has big tree trunk legs that move quicker than you think. He also has a nice bald head that is usually covered when he is outside by his Penfield Lacrosse hat or a Nike hat. When you look at Mr. Schembri straight in the eyes you might get a little intimidated at first. That’s normal. But right when you walk into his room you get a friendly “hello how are you doing?” Once you get to meet him he is a pretty funny character. He can be a very serious man at times. During school, practices, and games he with his three boys, or in the off season that is when he shows the teenager side of himself. He is a very entertaining person to be around if you just want to have a laugh.
During a lacrosse practice Coach Schembri will call the whole team over to talk. He will tell us all to stand behind a certain line. Once he says that everyone looks down to see if anyone is on or over the line. There is one quote that will stick in my head forever from Coach Schembri. “On the line is over the line.” He repeats that sentence over and over again throughout the year. In lacrosse if you are on the line you are over it. Not like in soccer where if the ball is still on the line it is still in. That one sentence from Mr. Schembri shows a lot about him. He does not like to cut corners and he does not let his team cut corners. Coach Schembri does not believe in half effort. You go hard every time to do something for him. If we cut corners he makes us do more. During workouts, preseason, and games he will always say it.
Coach Schembri is a very passionate person. When he has a job to do he always does it to the best of his ability. He never puts half effort into something. He is always there for you when you need help with a problem, school, sports, or even life in general. He is the person that wants to help people and wants to see people succeed. He is always trying to make people better and pushing people because he knows that they can always do better.
Hi Fred,
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy that you wrote about my good friend Coach Schembri. Having known him for several years now, I can certainly understand why you would select him for a role model and mentor. He is a wonderful person.
Let me start with your reflection. I'd like to hear a bit more about what you think about this piece already. I'd like to hear what lines you like and are proud of. And I'd also like to hear about what you think the weaknesses are and for you to cite specific lines or parts that you think need work. You might want to go back and do this before you read what I say below.
It looks like your work has already been spell checked and cleaned up a bit. Thank you so much for that Fred! Not eveyone else has done that yet and it is a bit frustrating for me to have to remind everyone to do this when I already did remind them a few times in class already so thank you!
Here is some of the feedback that you asked for...I want to talk about them in a different order than you asked them in. I'll explain why a bit further down.
2. Second I would like to know if my dominant impression stated in the introduction is clear all throughout the paper.
Your dominant impression seems to be your opening line: "Coach Schembri is a man of his word." What I liked about the introduction is that you stated it right out there in the opening line. I can't recall a student paper yet this year that has done that and I like it. Many of them have been implied dominant impressions. So yes, it is clear but what happens later is that you try to tell us TOO much about him and in the end, I'm not sure you prove the dominant impression strongly enough because of this.
3. Lastly I would like to know if there is anything in the middle of the paper that should be added.
I think what is lacking in the guts of the paper is one single detailed story to help you SHOW us how he is a man of his word. You do a lot of TELLING in this paper and I would like to see more SHOWING. One really good story is all you will need to do this. You used a few little ones but none of them is strong enough to show us his real character. Was there a time, "he found out about something you did" and got on his "poo-poo list"? I want to hear that story and how you worked to get off of the list. I feel like you need ONE really great story to illustrate his real character.
1. The first thing I would like to know is how I could make the introduction and conclusion better or what should I add to them.
If you think of that one great story, the introduction and conclusion might shift a bit. I'm stearing you towards a "poo-poo list" story so that you can keep your original introduction and go from there. Then your introduction might shift a bit.
I hope this helps and let me know if you have any questions.
On a side note, when you punctuate dialogue, you are missing some commas. See these two sites for help and explanation:
http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/dialogue.shtml
http://teacherweb.com/CT/ScottsRidgeMS/Jennes/punctuating.pdf
They are really helpful. When you are finished, I think you should share this piece with him.
When you describe him physically, be sure not to make him sound too old. If you don't know him, the mentioning his "nice bald head," makes him sound older than he is. I like how you brought up his fun-teenage side a bit later because this helped to balance it out a bit. But take a look at that in your revision too.
Good luck and thanks for all of your hard work this semester and all of the other semesters we've worked together Fred. I'm so happy to have met you this last few years.
Ms. Basko